‘Prolong the night time, improve the morning.’ So goes the blurb for Security Shot, the newest in a seemingly inexhaustible line of well being drinks, elixirs, panaceas and (some may argue) snake oil that promise to assuage the signs of the earlier night time’s extra.
As a result of ever since early man first tasted booze, reasonably overdid it and wakened in his cave with a throbbing headache and sense of existential angst, we’ve all craved that one-hit silver bullet, the hangover Holy Grail. One thing that simply makes the ache disappear.
However this American import is not like something that has come earlier than. ‘The massive distinction is that there’s nothing on the earth that lowers your blood alcohol content material like our patented beverage,’ says Brian John, the corporate’s CEO. This ‘proprietary patented formulation’ claims not solely to ‘enhance psychological readability’ and ‘assist liver cleansing,’ however really reduces that blood alcohol content material by ‘as much as 50 per cent inside half-hour’.
Ye Gods!
Tom Parker Bowles holds a can of Security Shot at a pub in Kensington, west London. The drinks firm’s CEO claims the beverage reduces blood alcohol content material by ‘as much as 50 per cent inside half-hour’
Security Shot is each cloyingly candy, and horribly bitter, it tastes like penance and punishment, with a high notice of sick, writes Tom Parker Bowles
If true (and that ‘if’ is doing a little significantly heavy lifting), this may very well be huge. Immense. Actually, that is the type of information that must be celebrated within the conventional British method. So excuse me whereas I nip off to the pub, down six pints, sink just a few whisky chasers, and chug a can of Security Shot. Earlier than returning house to jot down this piece, my amenities miraculously unsullied. It might even make the ‘designated driver’ a factor of the previous. Topers of the world, rejoice!
However earlier than you turn out to be too intoxicated by the untapped promise of this superpowered Security Shot, there’s a small warning, printed in block capitals, on the backside of the can. ‘SAFETY SHOT IS NOT INTENDED TO PERMIT CONSUMERS TO LEGALLY DRINK AND DRIVE.’ Oh. Proper. Nicely, it’s most likely for one of the best.
However what in regards to the science? As somebody who barely scraped a D in GCSE Chemistry, I’m hardly certified to remark. However I dig deep into the Security Shot web site, trying to find any arduous empirical proof to again up their exceptional claims.
That scientific proof is opaque, to say the least. The principle ingredient listed is ‘triple filtered purified water’, adopted by ‘apple pectin’ and it claims to comprise six completely different B nutritional vitamins. Additionally included are a number of unfamiliar components together with n-acetyl cysteine, cognizin citicoline and synephrine HCL. ‘Security Shot reduces blood alcohol content material by means of a number of elements that assist course of alcohol extra effectively’, it explains. Oh, and ‘It must be famous that each individual is completely different. Genetics, liver well being, habituation and a number of different elements can affect the speed at which alcohol is metabolized.’ Hmmm. True, however hardly enlightening.
Time, then, to take issues into my very own fingers. And stride out, into the darkish, chilly night time, armed solely with a thirst (for the reality, in addition to a pint or two), and a few cans of Security Shot.
Is that this miracle brew that we’ve all been ready for? Or simply one other over-sugary concoction, slickly clad in an all too shiny go well with?
I begin off about 4pm on a Saturday, on the home of my buddy Jake. He’s taking care of his kids, and is more than pleased to have a consuming associate. I whip out my can of Security Store, and inform him, with breathless pleasure, all about this drink.
As a person with a Biology diploma from Oxford (albeit over a quarter-century in the past), he can odor quackery from a mile off. ‘So,’ he says, eyeing the can with barely hid disdain, ‘this drink is promising to overturn every thing we find out about alcohol, and its results upon the blood and physique. With out sharing their examine knowledge, or peer-reviewed analysis?’ He’s not satisfied.
Brian John, boss of Security Shot, says: ‘there’s nothing on the earth that lowers your blood alcohol content material like our patented beverage’
‘Certainly,’ he goes on, ‘if this drink might really cut back blood-alcohol ranges by how a lot the corporate claims, it might be value billions, and a staple of each emergency unit on the earth.’
He shakes his head and goes again to watching F1.
Attempting to regain some management of the narrative, I attempt one other tack, spluttering on about Security Shot’s ‘rigorous testing on quite a few folks’.
‘Do we all know who they’re?’, asks Jake. Er, no. How about all these ‘researchers, formulators, and scientists’ who’ve been concerned within the growth of Security Shot for ‘a number of years’?
‘Present me their names’, he responds. I can’t. ‘And I guess it’s classed as a “complement” too.’ Er, yup. ‘Nicely, meaning the Meals and Drug Administration (FDA) don’t get entangled both. Why am I not shocked?’ He goes quiet for an additional second. ‘Worst of all, who in God’s title would go to the pub for just a few drinks. Whereas paying for one thing that stops you getting drunk?’ He takes a livid swig of his beer. ‘Security, my a**.’
Fortunately, although, I’m product of sterner stuff. And conducting a fiercely managed experiment for the larger good of mankind.
Giving the can a superb shake, I open it, drink deeply, and instantly want I hadn’t. Oh God. The horror! As a result of it’s actually vile, one of many nastiest issues to ever cross by means of my lips. And this comes from a person who has chewed uncooked tripe, slurped chilly blood soup and eaten each a part of a pig save the oink.
Each cloyingly candy, and horribly bitter, it tastes like penance and punishment, with a high notice of sick. And jogs my memory of that antibiotic medication you needed to take as a baby. I handle to pressure down an entire can, a lot to Jake’s amusement. Then instantly begin to really feel a bit of odd. Wired. Edgy. A contact anxious. Which is probably all the way down to the 400mg of caffeine (about the identical 4 double espressos), sploshed into an empty abdomen. Actually, having drunk all 355ml, I actually don’t wish to do something save sit, feeling barely nauseous, and really unusual certainly.
Anyway, two bottles of garbage Italian beer later (why does anybody like Peroni?), we wander all the way down to the pub, and, over two hours, drink three pints of Aspall cider. Often, I’d really feel fairly merry. My head is pathetically gentle, and it doesn’t take a lot to get me within the social gathering spirit.
However one way or the other, sitting in a heat pub on a chilly Saturday afternoon with my finest buddy isn’t fairly the pure unalloyed pleasure it normally is. There’s a nagging, unspecified fear knawing at my intestine.
Hey-ho. Dinner subsequent. However as I wander over to Sam’s Riverside in Hammersmith, perched on the sting of the Thames, I nonetheless really feel barely out of types. My daughter Lola is already there, and I order a martini, although I don’t really feel like consuming it. Curiouser and curiouser.
I handle one other half bottle of purple, earlier than giving up altogether. Identical to the pub, this merely isn’t enjoyable. And dinner with my daughter is all the time enjoyable.
I additionally miss the three-beer fuzz: the nice and cozy, boozy bonhomie of the shared desk. I simply wish to go house. We go away early, and I crawl into mattress, falling into fitful sleep.
Nicely, I get up feeling rather less nauseous than the night time earlier than, though there are nonetheless sparkles of dread. There’s no signal of a hangover, though an early night time and a pint of water earlier than sleep could have helped.
However even when I had been within the throes of a hangover so biblical that Moses might inscribe it upon his tablets, I merely couldn’t drink the stuff once more.
So is that this the key to Security Shot? To make one really feel so terrible that nothing, not to mention a drink, can ever cross your lips? I’ve actually no thought if Security Shot’s claims about blood alcohol are true. What I do know is that I by no means wish to set eyes on this wretched can once more.